This is something I wrote when I found out I was pregnant. It’s been revised several times.. this is as short as I could make it.
Raised as a traditional Roman Catholic Filipina, born from an immigrant mother, struggles with a tourist-visa father. Raised by an aunt on the weekends and an uncle who betrayed my trust with men at a young age. They took my mother in, pregnant at 17, alone, and banished to this land called America. Surely, they would be more accepting of a pregnant teen than her small town in the Philippines. She strived to get an education... vocational medical school at night and flipped burgers during the day. They watched her child (me) for free, and so I was silenced by the principles of "utang ng loob." Yearning for a positive male figure in my life I attempted a relationship with my clinically depressed father, too consumed by his own problems to be the father I expected him to be. But, my mother stayed. She grew up without a father so she desperately tried to provide me with one. but he constantly dissappeared when problems arose. Nowhere to run when he left, no one to protect me from my uncle. "utang ng loob" still silenced my pain.
my mom, June 1988
I grew up denying it, I matured trying to change my father - for he was in every man I dated. I hung on as tight as I could, for as long as I could, in disbelief every time my attempt to change my father failed. But, I thought I found a keeper, because he held on to me tight. So tight I became isolated from everyone. I was in his hands, he said it was a safe place. There, he told me lies, there, he kept me down, there, he made me feel as though I would never find better. There, he held me down, physically, mentally and emotionally. But, I stayed, so determined to show mother that he was a good guy and to prove to her racist-ass that not all black men are violent, uneducated, and unethical……and simply, that love could exist in any color and culture, not just Filipino’s. I may have been correct in my intent, but wrong in my particular choice for the man I thought was right for proving that to her. I didn't realize I was repeating history until I ended up pregnant myself.
me, June 2009
I ended that cycle the day I found out I was pregnant.
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